Humorous Homefront

The Bloomington Pantograph says that when the rebel prisoners of the 80th Tennessee Regiment passed through the city for Chicago, they were treated to all the coffee they could drink. When the train moved off, they joined in giving "three rousing cheers for the old Union." 

The scarcity of salt in the South is terrible. The children are actually forced to cry with fresh water tears. 

It is said that the national flag which now waves over the Capital at Nashville was preserved by a loyal citizen of that place who sewed it inside of a bed quilt and slept under it every night. 

An old lady in Secessia has sent her brass preserve kettle to the cannon foundry, and begs all her lady acquaintances to do likewise. A contemporary suggests that, if the "mettle" of the Southern Confederacy’s soldiers fail., that of it’s kitchen utensils will be a poor substitute.

 The Kingston Argus regrets that a number of young ladies of that place, who lately offered their services to the government as hospital nurses, were rejected because they were too good looking. 

Capt. McKim, the Assistant Quartermaster General in Boston, has been authorized by the government to sell at public auction the bells which were seized in New Orleans by General Butler and sent to Boston. They range in weight from eight to fourteen hundred and fifty pounds, and many of them are fine toned and suitable for churches and other public buildings.

 A few evenings since, a young lady in the city of Georgetown, D.C., belonging to a rank secession family, was married to an officer of the regular army. Her relatives, were opposed to the match, and among the presents was a loaded bombshell. 

Simon Brown, an old, and esteemed farmer of Ashtabula, Ohio, killed himself with a razor on Sunday. He was in great excitement with reference to the battle of Bull Run, and believed the country was going to ruin.

 A lady of St. Louis writing to the Democrat, proposes to other ladies to equip a company of cavalry. She says; " let us melt down two of our heaviest sets of silver to begin with, and if that don’t do, let another go till we get enough."

 The young ladies of Saukville, Wis., have bound themselves one to another, that they will not receive attentions as suitor or otherwise, of any young man capable of bearing arms, who is not or shall not become a volunteer in the Union cause under the present call for volunteers from the government.  

Among the articles received by the Washington Sanitary Commission lately, was a good and patriotic old lady’s tribute, to be laid on the alter of her country, bearing this inscription: "These socks were spun and knit by Mrs. Zeruah Clapp, 96 years old, whose hands in youth were engaged in molding bullets in the Revolutionary War. Keep the toes of these socks towards the Rebels."

 An old secesh came within the Union lines at Newbern a few days ago, looking after an escaped slave, a handsome girl of sixteen years. Finding that a master’s claim was not recognized, he claimed her by right of being her father. 

Twelve pairs of boots, containing twelve bottles of whiskey, were taken from beneath the clothes of a female smuggler at Memphis recently, just as she was passing into Dixie. 

A gentleman lately escaped from Mobile says there is not a carpet left in the city, all having been taken and cut up for blankets for the rebel army. 

On the 6th a negro washerwoman at Beaufort, while industriously engaged in her ordinary avocation in a large yard, found a piece of some hard substance, which she thought would serve her admirably to place her kettle on. So she removed it, the bottom all covered with sparks, from the fire to the anomalous article she had so opportunely discovered, but the act was almost immediately followed by a terrific explosion, and an investigation resulted in the discovery that she had placed her kettle upon a conical shell of large dimensions, well charged. Fragments of the shell were found, but the clothes had mysteriously disappeared with the explosion. The woman was knocked down and received a wound on the arm.

The rebels can well afford to give up all their church bells, cow bells and dinner bells to Beauregard, for they never go to church now, their cows have all been taken by foraging parties, and they have no dinners to be summoned to.

The Lynchburg Republican of April 6th says, on the authority of a person just returned from North Carolina, that in the upper part of the state tenpenny nails are passing currently as money, valued at five cents each nail - The Lynchburg editor adds: "We have no such metallic basis for our currency here. Our circulating mediums are grains of corn representing five cents, and quids of tobacco representing the decimal".

A paper called the Sun, published at Columbus, Georgia, proposes to kill all the dogs in the land of rebeldom on account of the amount of provisions they consume, and for the want of which the people are suffering. It uses some pretty powerful accounts in favor of its proposition, which show that the rebels are reduced to great extremities.

While the soldiers were searching the passengers on the Copperhead train from Indianapolis (containing delegates from the Copperhead Convention at Indianapolis) on Wednesday evening for pistols, one of them discovered no less than seven revolvers hid in a lady's bosom. Gathering up the pistols, he politely remarked to the lady: "Madam, your breastworks seem to be ironclad."

Ex-senator Toombs complains that on his late trip in Georgia his breakfast cost him $50, and the landlord refused to settle the his bill the night before for fear the price of provisions might go up before morning.

It is proposed to pass in Massachusetts, a statute of limitation against the early marriage of army widows. Several who have gone off in new bonds of wedlock are perplexed by hearing that their patriot husbands still live!

A malignant disease, of which a large number have died, prevails in the factories near Philadelphia employed in manufacturing army blankets. It is called a congestive fever, and is supposed to have been introduced by filthy rags, imported for conversion into shoddy.

An army correspondent of the Danbury Times advises all who are about to go to war to bid adieu to their female friends at home, and by no means to take them to the cars or boats with them, and by so doing prevent many mistakes and unpleasant accidents. He says that when he left his eyes were half blinded with tears at the idea of leaving, and he hugged another man's baby and kissed his wife twice before he discovered the difference!

The people in and about Gettysburg have an eye to the main chance. Some of them charged Union soldiers for a drink of water. One man presented General Howard a bill for 37 cents for four bricks knocked off the chimney of his house by artillery.

A few days since in Lee County, Va., near the Tennessee line, a man who had slandered the widow of a deceased Confederate soldier was tied up by some half dozen indignant women of rebeldom and received twenty stripes.

There has been between two and three hundred illegal marriages in certain counties in West Virginia since the war broke out, owing to the fact that the officers authorized to grant licenses had abandoned their positions. The young folks could not wait, and in some instances they obtained military permits to marry. A bill is about to be introduced into the legislature to legalize all these marriages.

There is a woman living in Troy who has been married no less than four times since the commencement of the war. All her liege lords have been soldiers who have "fought, bled and died for their country." Her last husband was killed before Petersburg a few weeks since, while on picket duty. Is there any other lady who can show as loyal a record?

There are three fathers in East Nottingham township, Chester County, Pa., who each have fourteen sons in the Union Army.

A young lady in Richmond, writing to her friends in Baltimore, says that the gaieties of society in that city consist chiefly of what are called "starvation parties", at which people meet in each other's houses and have music and dancing, but nothing to eat or drink. The fair writer attends these parties twice a week, and she avers that they have a good deal of fun, but no supper.

Capt. James Brady, commanding a company of the Twenty sixth Massachusetts regiment, who was recently wounded in the Shenandoah Valley, and is now at home in Fall River, Mass., with one leg off and three balls in his body, insisted on voting on Tuesday, and was accordingly placed on a stretcher, covered with the American ensign, and borne by four men to the ward-room where he deposited his vote for Lincoln and Johnson. Every man present standing uncovered meanwhile, and not a few eyes suffused with tears.

A guerilla met his fate in Hawesville, Ky., a few nights ago, under the following circumstances: There is a woman in town who keeps a grog shop, and who had been notified by guerillas to "move her shanty" by a certain time. On the evening in question one of the gang made his appearance at the window of her domicile, where she and her son were sitting. He broke the window and stuck in his head, when she struck him with a billet of wood and he fell heavily to the earth. She listened a few minutes and hearing him groan went outside and found him lying in an almost dying condition. She called her son to bring her the axe. The son did so, and she took it from him and deliberately chopped his body up into small pieces and left him for the hogs to devour. She went back into the house and went to bed. At last accounts she had not been arrested, nor was she likely to be.

A letter from Marysville, California to the New York Evangelist tells the following interesting story:
The Sanitary Fair in this town, a few weeks ago, was the occasion of one of those touching and profitable little incidents which have been so numerous during the last year. A poor little boy brought a white chicken to the Fair, which was all he had to offer, saying it might make some broth for a poor, sick soldier. He had decked his little offering with ribbons of "red, white and blue," but as he had no money to pay the admittance fee, when he came to the door he was rejected. As he went down the street a gentleman seeing his distress, listened to his story, gave him a ticket, and sent him in. The simplicity of the donor and the beauty of the offering attracted attention and the chicken was put up at auction and sold to the highest bidder for $469 in gold for the benefit of the Sanitary Commission. The chicken has not put on any airs; has not even attempted to crow! but is exercising the functions of chickenhood, and is just now setting on a nest of nine eggs, and as it is not best to count chickens before they are hatched, there for the present we leave her.

The Troy Press says that a few days ago a woman applied to Tilford at the Fort Edward station for a free ride to Troy. Mr. T. regretted that he had not the privilege of granting her a pass, when the lady replied that she "had three husbands in the army fighting for their country", and thought it was hard that she could not have a free ride to Troy.

On the day of President Lincoln's funeral a bronzed and weather-beaten soldier, anxious to obtain a better view of the procession, happened to step before a party of ladies and gentlemen. One of the gentlemen nudged him on the elbow, at the same time observing "Excuse me, sir, you are right in front of us." Bowing handsomely in return, the soldier replied "That is nothing remarkable for I have been in front of you for four years."

In the town of Marietta, Indiana where traitors largely prevail, the news of the President's death was received with every demonstration of joy. An effigy of the President was prepared with a rude representation of a bullet hole in his head and paraded around and afterwards burned. The town itself ought to be burned.

A she-rebel at Oldtown, Maine was recently waited upon by 150 of her sex and compelled to take an American flag and walk with them through the streets to the music of the fife and drum.

The Taunton (Mass.) Gazette tells of a man in that city who made a vow when Sumter was taken by rebels not to cut his beard till it was retaken by our forces. He was clipped by an enormous pair of shears on the 24th ult. in the presence of a crowd of his friends.

Among the bills recently passed by the Missouri Legislature are these: Providing that any person whose husband or wife has been engaged in the rebellion against the United States shall be entitled to a divorce upon proper application to the courts.

A ragged rebel went into a Hoosier’s house during a late raid and got to putting on airs, telling the girls that he was John Morgan. The old lady, who had “heard of him” fainted and rolled under the table. The girls keeled over against the wall, fell over chairs, etc. Secesh was about going into a cupboard when a long, sandy haired chap entered the house.
“Who the h_ll are you?” said Sandy, eyeing him closely.
“I’m Morgan. Why?.”
“I’m told you’re a hoss at kissin’ and as you’ve hugged the old woman and squeezed the gals to death, I guess you’d better drop them pies and things.”
“Pizin things!” shouted the rebel, turning pale as he dropped a load of pies, corn-cakes, hams, etc., which he had “confiscated” and ate heartily of. “I’m a gone gosling” and he dropped upon the floor.

The girls tied him and Sandy and the old woman like to beat him to death, and then let him go.

Confederate money has so depreciated that the Richmond people say “If you go to the market you have to take your money in the basket and carry your beef in the pocketbook.”

The physicians of Richmond have had a meeting and have resolved to put up their fees to thirty dollars a visit. The people down in Dixie can’t afford to be sick at that price and the result will probably be an improved condition of public health.

In one settlement in Minnesota 15 out of the 16 male residents enlisted. The other man stayed behind as a sort of nest egg.

The Indiana Sanitary Fair has one feature of unquestionable novelty. Robert Watson of the Veteran Reserve Corps, who formerly served on the frontier against the Indians and afterwards in the 1st Wisconsin Artillery, proposes to offer himself as a substitute for the benefit of the fair. It is proposed to issue tickets at the price within the means of all drafted men and the drawer of the prize will have a substitute and Sanitary fund will enjoy the proceeds.

In an eastern church a week ago Sunday the pastor was preaching on the death of President Lincoln and an aged Copperhead got up and left the church. As he reached the door the minister called out to him “Don’t stop brother till you get to Canada!” and all the congregation said “Amen!”

There is an old adage which recommends “be sure to be off with the old love before you are on with the new.” Sometimes however this precept is violated unwittingly as in the case related in volunteer experience where such dramas are prone to occur. When the war first broke out a young married man of Stuebenville, Ohio volunteered. He was reported killed at Perryville and subsequently his wife received a metallic coffin which purported to be the body of her husband. She buried it with all due ceremony and affection, and, after more than a year elapsed, she married again. A few days since an exchanged prisoner passed through Stuebenville and left a message from the husband supposed to be dead, that he would probably be soon exchanged and would be home again. Her present husband is a worthy man and the case becomes somewhat embarrassing.

The Buffalo Express says that three years ago, when JohnWilkes Booth was playing there, some Rebel trophies were exhibited in the windows of a jewelry store. The spectacle so excited the Rebel rage of Booth that he shivered the large plate glass. He afterward paid the damage and the matter was hushed up.

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